Tuesday's Checkbox Challenge

I have a vision in mind of where life will lead.

I plan it out in neatly printed rows next to hopeful checkboxes: call the doctor, take back that shirt, say no to that activity (why does saying no feel like so much more effort than saying yes?). 

I know what a typical Tuesday should look like because I scheduled it, prepared for it, and prayed about it. But here it is, another Tuesday that typically does not look like the one I planned. 

I feel burdened by the weight of blessings, bound to the anchor of my own expectations, crushed by the constancy of the conveyor belt of life.

Today’s task: try not to yell, try not to yell, try very hard not to yell.

I’m trying to be more grateful, too. For what I have and what I don’t: for challenges unmet, for supports and abilities, for time filled by the good things in life, as well as time free from the good things in life. 

I set up my values as the judge between my allotted time and the tasks completed. Though values should win every time, sometimes it is ice cream and a book or nap; sometimes it is a toddler or teenager tantrum.

The important things are not always on the planner. The important things supersede the planning. The important things are not things at all, but people. 

Big people and little people with big eyes and long blonde hair. They just want to talk, to tell me what they know, to recognize their worth.

And I do. And I try. Not only not to yell, but not to curb their growing goodness. To give them wings and an anchor.

The question is not just should I prioritize them in my life, but what should I prioritize? Should I make an appointment, label their emotions, or spend time lying on the grass, pointing out the cloud pictures? And how shall I know that I've chosen the right activity?

And then there are bills and commitments to my community and my own personal growth. Shall I ignore those while I’m looking at the clouds or just delay them for a moment? 

How will I know what to write in the planner when the things that truly matter are not things that can be checked off? I will never stop loving them. I will never check that box. I never want to. 

But I do want to feel like this time, my time, has been well spent: a typical Tuesday I can be proud of, even if it doesn’t look like the planner version. 

The vision I have is of all of us, sitting together: happy and content. I’m just not always sure how to get there.

And I go to bed thinking: “Did I do enough?” Will I ever?”

And I really don’t know. So, I get out of bed to add more ideas to the list.