It's Not My Fault

It’s not my fault you turned out the way you did:

Strong, happy,

Confident, kind.

It’s not my fault you turned out the way you did:

Scared, defiant,

Angry, sad.

It’s not my fault you got first place, or last,

Took a chance, or didn’t,

Saved a place or couldn’t.

It’s not my fault they didn’t see your goodness,

Or helped when they should have. 

It’s not my fault you chose a Twinkie when you should have had a salad,

Or a salad when you should have had a twinkie.

Though it may be my fault that you thought about it.

It's not my fault you had to face that mountain

When you were hoping to enjoy a beautiful walk 

On a nice, straight path around the lake. 

I’d like to take credit for the victory at the top,

But that feels wrong, since I only shouted instructions

From afar while you labored under the sweltering

Sun, dripping with the sweat of your own labor.

Nor can I take credit for your body,

Which I merely house,

Or your tenacity,

Which I only stumbled upon when I was tired. 

It is my fault you went to the doctor, the dentist,

The church activity, the playdate, mostly on time.

It is my fault you had books read to you

And something to do on a quiet Friday night.

It is my fault you had somewhere to live, 

food to eat,

clothes to wear.

And I’ll take responsibility for you having someone to talk to on good days and bad;

and that you know how to make pasta, rice, and shredded chicken.

It is my fault you got 8 hours of sleep,

A present on your birthday,

And a backpack of supplies on the first day of school

It would be nice to stop there, but I should probably add

that it is also my fault you can’t remember your schedule,

Focus in class,

understand emergent capabilities, 

or digest milk normally.

And I should acknowledge that there were things I didn’t do:

Play dates I should have arranged,

phone calls I should have made,

and times I should have put down my priority and focused better on you.

It's not my fault does not mean I don't understand my responsbility for my part,

it’s that I don’t want to take the responsibility for the whole.

That feels unfair to you and to me.

Because your life is a confused mix of agency,

fate,

abilities,

challenges,

opportunities, 

and desire.

And the thing is you are the hero of this journey.

The epiphanies gained,

the obstacles overcome,

and the character growth will all be yours.

If there is anyone who should get best supporting role

in your quest,

it should be the One who loves you most.

Because it is His fault you are saved and if you need

help on this next bit, the most I can do is send you to Him.

It's not my fault you are the way you are,

It's not my fault I love you as much as I do,

It's not my fault I am simultaneously sad, proud, and scared.

It's yours:

Your fault you are as good as you are,

Your fault you are as happy as you are,

Your fault you chose the path you did.

My small contribution was giving you the chance.